I wonder what cinematic treasures await us in March? Let's have a gander! I mean...nothing can be worse than January or February, right? I mean, Hansel and Gretel, Noobz, Beautiful Creatures, Safe Haven... What? Why are you looking at me like that? What's this here? InAPPropriate? Hey, that could be funny! Rob Schneider, huh? Well, I mean, he was in Necessary Roughness, so...ok, who else? Lindsay Lohan? She's alive? Oh god, she looks like an irradiated mannequin! What's this about? A fucking sketch film is still being made in 2013?! And it's directed by the guy that beat down a hooker and sold us a "Slap-Chop" and asked us to love his nuts? Oh, oh god. Well, given the blistering success of The Groove Tube and Movie 43...ok, fuck you, what else is coming out?
White T? Two morbidly obese children try to rap with Deion Sanders? Can you give me something that wasn't a film pitched by a mongoloid with fetal alcohol syndrome? Or something with a budget or actors I've heard of?
Ah, here we go: Phantom. Harris and Duchovny as Russians in a submarine, but totally nothing like U-571, K-12, or Crimson Tide or Das...fine, you win again.
Anything else? Oh, right. Another Stephanie Meyer movie. The movie about an alien invasion and a love triangle. Fine, get the hacksaw, I don't want my jugular if this is what I have to look forward to theatrically.
So that's my imaginary conversation about the wonderful theatrical releases in the month of March, as well as he reason why The Boom Operator and I saw zero films this week. Me, I'm still working through some of the documentary/foreign flicks of last year, which are offering me a bit more than, say 21 and Over.
Oh, and we're screening Miami Connection this week at Smoke 'n Barrel, so we are awesome.
We heard music from:
Karate Warrior II, 1988 - Stefano Mainetti
Army of Darkness, 1992 - Joseph DoLuca
Six-String Samurai, 1998 - Brian Tyler
Miami Connection, 1987 - Various